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Reflect, reframe, regroup. Inspiration for when life is messy.

I struggled to find a title for this post, because describing what it is about will lead to expectations it is not likely to meet. This post is about how to stick with things, be they new habits or intentions, plans or commitments.

In my work as a coach I often read and share books about habits and how to stick to them, and there is a huge wealth of information out there about how to be more productive from the ever popular Atomic Habits by James Clear to Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks and so on. I go through phases of finding one of these titles or authors that really chime with me at a particular time in my life, and I love their approach for a while, find the inspiration I am looking for and… move on.

Alongside the books there is an army of podcasts about the same subject, and I am guilty of adding to the genre with my own weekly episode of Leading Virtual Teams. Through my coach training I have discovered a lot of amazing coaches many of whom share their expertise on habits and productivity on their shows, and my favourite of these is Katie Linder’s podcast for Higher Education professionals, You’ve Got This. Katie led the coach training I completed and I find her particular mix of reading, writing, being creative and productive really appealing. Definitely a recommended listen!

But…

And yet, of course, there is a but… . Because life is messy. Life keeps changing, and evolving and however much the data we collect through the devices and platforms we use would like us to believe otherwise, moving forward is not always a straight, upwards curving line. And not every season of life can be productive. I recently read a wonderful book, Ebb & Flow by Easkey Britton, which beautifully explored the concept of periods of ebb in life as necessary and valuable.

That’s where for me conflicting desires arise: one the one hand I understand and appreciate that not every week, month or year can be super productive. Sometimes life just gets in the way. On the other hand, I am very used to pushing ahead with things or sometimes have a sense of being behind already, feeling frustrated and keen to make a change. At times like that, I use a couple of approaches to help find a path through the messy reality:

Reflect: Need vs. want

First, I find some headspace to reflect on what I need versus what I want. I think best when I actually write things down or talk to someone about it. Here are some prompts to think through this:

  • What do you want more of?
  • What do you want less of?
  • What would make things lighter?
  • What do you need to prioritise?
  • What do you need to finish?
  • What do you need to pause/stop?
  • What do you need to start?

Reframe: Essential vs. desirable

Next, I try to reframe the situation, to look at things in a different light. My own high expectations or sense of accomplishment is often the biggest barrier to feeling contentment, so my aim here is to be very clear with myself what is absolutely essential to accomplish and what is desirable. I often find that things drop off my plate once I can clearly articulate to myself what I really need to do, rather than all possible things I could be doing. Here are some criteria I use to sort things into the two buckets:

  • Essentials often are: time sensitive, external (i.e. someone else is waiting for this), income generating, high impact
  • Desirables often are: open ended, internal (i.e. only I wait for this to happen), unknown/low impact

Once I have sorted my long list of things to do into these two categories, I take a look at what I identified in the first step, needs vs. wants and check that everything makes sense. For example, if I have a writing project I absolutely love doing and it helps to get me out of bed in the morning, then it might move from desirable to essential. Likewise, if I find I have overcommitted myself and I need to say no to more things, I go over my list of essentials again to identify things I can finish quickly or stop all together.

Regroup: Grind vs. joy

Then, I look at the practicalities and set out to tweak things to prioritise joy. What that looks like may be different for you, but these starting points should give you a sense of what to consider:

Determine how many weeks stand between you and your next break. How long before you can take time off, go on retreat, travel or something else that offers a break from routine for you. A break, whether a change or a rest is essential to my mind. If you find there’s no let up in sight, take a moment and think hard about whether you can change that. What would it take to get a few days off?

Once you found out how long you have to go, add a countdown to your calendar or other app.

Then take a look at each week ahead of you. In my case I found certain days of the week in which I had much fewer commitments, so I moved things around to block out time for what I wanted more of (in my case creativity and time to get outside). I also took a look at what would be the hardest/busiest of times and started to schedule some time and activities around those days that would offer me some balance.

Time to rest, read, walk the dogs and so on.

I saw a post recently my a fellow coach, Mrs T, who coaches Headteachers, and in it she described how when days got very busy, her initial tendency was to fit in even more in any moments of calm. Fit in more tasks during breaks and taking work home in the evenings or at weekends. She then shared how nowadays her instinct is to step back and take a breath instead. I could really relate to that. When things get hectic, I used to try to be more productive, more busy still. The steps I have outlined above, to reflect, reframe and then regroup offer an alternative to being ever more busy. In that direction burnout looms.

I hope you find more pockets of joy. Even when life gets messy. Let me know how you get on.

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